Jay Cutler is out to find a vicious chicken serial killer on his property.
When you put Jay Cutler in front of a camera, the most incredible things happen.
The former Chicago Bears and Vanderbilt Commodores quarterback wowed us for years with his howitzer of a right arm and his general nonchalantness for pretty much everything under the sun. You either love or hate him, there is no middle ground with Cutler. And you’re never going to believe what this viral Instagram star has for us on this fine Wednesday evening.
Okay, so let’s try to make some sense out of this chicken mess. Basically, Cutler is a man of his land these days. He has recognized there is a vicious chicken serial-killing beast hunting hens on his property. Cutler has grown tired of his feathered friends getting hunted for sport.
He speculates it could be a coyote, a bobcat or…an inside job?
Yes, Cutler hasn’t ruled out Thelma the Cat because “Thelma is a savage with loose morals.” This is why Cutler needs to be on television again. He doesn’t need to be on a reality show with his ex-wife, as he’s the driver of a Nielsen Rating. We’re all a little depressed these days that he didn’t join Kevin Burkhardt and Charles Davis in the No. 2 booth on FOX a few years back. We missed out.
Jay Cutler will find the vicious killer of his precious yard hens.
So what is Cutler’s plan to save the lives of all his chickens? He plans to call up his chicken guy, Blake, because let’s be real, why wouldn’t Culter have a “chicken guy” named Blake to help him out?
Cutler plans to watch the whole thing unfold from his treehouse out in the distance. His documentation of this chicken serial killer hunt is all on this Instagram.
Turns out, weather is absolutely going to be a factor, as his sacred treehouse wasn’t built to be enjoyed in the rain. It’s one of those open-air treehouses like Brennan Huff and Dale Doback had fun in at Dr. Doback and Nancy’s house. Too bad it’s not a boat, and it’s just a treehouse.
It will be nightfall soon and we will learn who is eating all of Cutler’s chickens. This has to be the most anticipated hunt for a serial killer since Hannibal Lecter helped Clarice Starling catch “Buffalo Bill” a.k.a. Jame Gumb. Hopefully, there will be a Silence of the Hens so Cutler can get some shuteye and fully enjoy his retirement and newfound single life in this pandemic. He’s a hero!
Cutler showed more passion for his hens than he ever did for the Bears, Broncos or Dolphins.